A Couple Of Poems ...

A couple of poems for you about the first recorded murder in The Bible, which happened to be between brothers (sticking to my usual cheery themes). They are a result of some writing I am doing in readiness for the Greenbelt Festival.


Abel

Cutting firstborn lambs
from their mothers,
you soothe their bleating
before silencing them quickly
and arranging the portions
on an altar to your God.

Your brother steps out from your shadow,
severs the family tie,
breaks you.
Lost decades shimmer
on a scarlet pool at his feet
alongside an unclaimed love,
and the face of your firstborn.

May the stench of you
turn your God’s head,
the stain of you
catch His eye.




Cain

Not left over fruit
or dry vegetables;
this sacrifice is precious -
doused in blame,
kindled with jealousy,
sparked to flame by failure
as rough and bitter
as the skin on your palms.

The flock is spared
as a shepherd’s body is broken -
a brother -
the ground sipping blood
for the first time.

Crumbling in one of your fields,
only to rise in dust that
will powder your sweating brow,
dry the back of your throat

We attended a consultation with our oncologist yesterday, braced as we always are for bad news. Just as well, because it was bad news. Recent results and examinations suggest that the cancer has spread to a new site in my pelvis. It will become clear exactly how bad this is when I have a scan on 27th August. This won't necessarily kick-start the next dreaded course of chemo, but at the first sign that this new development is continuing to grow, I will be back on the drip. Our usual method of coping with this sort of news is to sink for a few days and then, hopefully, to re-surface. We have good people around us and I am sure we will be fine. So, for those of you who pray - how do I avoid going onto the horrible chemo? If the scan shows that my other cancer sites have stayed the same and if this new site stays small or recedes (which apparently, it might), then I will probably stay off the chemo. I really want that. Once this chemo has run its course there is a possibility of running it again with another infusion to up its strength, but thereafter I think we are running out of options. I've had about as much radiotherapy as they dare give me (I think this is the case, based on recent conversations with the oncologist.)

So there we go. We are off on holiday in just over a week - France. Might we see the sun? We'd better because getting to France isn't cheap! Then I am off to the Greenbelt Festival with my annual promise of attending lots of edifying seminars but knowing deep down I will be resident in the Tiny Tea Tent. The poetry is coming along well and when I write one that will 'fit' the blog I promise to post it up.

Thanks again for visiting the blog and for ongoing support to Mary and I.
Here is Joel wandering free in The Lakes ...

Trophies

The end of term is within sight. A relief all round. On the whole it has been a good year. We have some very good SATs result with which to appease Ofsted and the Deputy is now firmly in role. We had a good school moment just a couple of weeks ago when our youngest children went up to the village church to talk to the Vicar. (They had designed their own questions and the first one was, “Did Jesus survive?” Interesting at many levels but difficult to give an answer to someone who is five.) Anyway, as part of the talk the vicar produced this large, decorated silver chalice. The eyes of the children all widened, particularly those of Alex aged 5, who looked on and asked, “Where do you keep your other football trophies?”

I saw the consultant last Friday, just for a quick conversation. They will scan me again later in August and meet to discuss the results early in September. The only thing that has changed is that they have altered the pain management, adding a morphine solution to the usual routine. It is the same old problem of waking with leg pain at about 2 am and not really getting back to sleep. I will now take some of the morphine solution when I wake and hopefully this will see me through. I am still pleased to be treatment free for the summer, and if I can manage the pain more successfully then we should hopefully enjoy a few good weeks.

It’s Sports Day today in school. I am on the score board this year, as being a line judge proved to be too frightening last year. You really take your life in your hands! Many schools have opted to give out ‘Well Done’ stickers to all the competitors, but I am still of the view that there should be outright winners, who receive trophies and/or certificates. After all, it is one of life’s important lessons … you can’t be good at everything and some children do excel in sport. That said, last year whenever I declared the winner of race, I quickly felt like a lone wildebeest in a David Attenborough documentary, being stalked by an approaching pack of hungry predators. I might just carry a few sheets of ‘Headteacher’s Award’ stickers, in case.

I will leave you with some pictures of Martha’s birthday celebrations. Where did those years go?

Thanks for visiting the blog.

Scan Results

I think it's fair to say that Mary and I were pretty tense going into the meeting, especially when the speed with which we were ushered into the consultation room denied us the chance of reading the stories behind the cover headlines on trashy magazines. So, we'll never know which LA Hunk Jen from Friends is going to settle for, or why Denise from Loose Women is so ashamed of her recent behaviour. Anyway, his opening sentence was

The scan looked pretty good

and from this particular consultant that is a very positive statement. There has been no development of the pelvic tumours, either in the soft tissue or the bone. They are pretty much the same, so new pains further round my back can't be that. My liver is still clear. My lungs have three 'spots' but two of them are too small to measure and the third, which is about 1 cm, is not at the stage of requiring treatment. So ... no chemo or any other treatment for now. In the circumstances, this is good news. The situation is still stable. Bring on the summer!

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me over recent days; we have really appreciated your support. Thanks also to the many people from far and wide who pray for us and who were praying specifically for good news.

Friday

I have a meeting with the Senior Consultant this Friday morning to discuss a scan I had last Friday. It was penciled in anyway, but a slight increase in symptoms has meant that it is timely. I have some extra pain further round the top end of my pelvis which, we all agree, needs looking into. We are keeping an open mind (well, trying to) and we'll just have to re-adjust to whatever is found. That said, we are obviously hoping and praying that things haven't progressed in any great way.

We are all well, other than this. Naomi auditioned successfully for a production of The Railway Children that is being staged by the York Theatre Royal. She did this last year and loved it, so she is very pleased! Martha is preparing (?) for her GCSE in science, which has reminded me of just how challenged I am in this area. Attempts to help her with revision have been fairly fruitless. (I remember my science teacher being disappointed, but not surprised, at my Grade E in Chemistry.) Joel is still happy going to school, which makes life much easier for us, and Mary and I are trying to follow his example.

I will update the blog with Friday's results as soon as I have them. I will also try to get a recent poem up here, so that I can feel the blog title is justified!

The Past Few Weeks

Well, the radiotherapy course came and went, all in the luxury of the new £250 million oncology Centre of Excellence in Leeds. It's a cross between an airport lounge and a shopping mall and patients wait in clusters of seats. If they sold lattes or espressos you might be tempted to turn up in shorts, towing a case. The week of treatment was difficult for various reasons. I got an infection (which floored me) and a strongly worded letter of complaint to the school (which had me leaping back up again). Such letters can really get the circulation going. Anyway, I dragged myself in on the Thursday, a meeting was had with said parents and all was well. I think the Friday of the treatment week was the high point, however. I was lying in bed at midday, temperature soaring, body aching, drifting in and out of sleep when the phone went. I decided to leave it ... nothing was that important. Then my mobile went, so I played safe. It was the alarm company, saying that they'd received the signal that the school fire alarm was going off and they were in the process of contacting the Fire Service. It's amazing how quickly you can dress ... I was fully clothed in under four seconds and that included ironing. Okay - exaggeration. I was actually falling down the stairs towards the door when the phone went again and it was my deputy confessing to having burnt the toast in the staffroom. It's an easy thing to forgive, and I went back to bed.

The weeks since the treatment have been difficult, with the draining effects of radio, further infections and of course the bone strengthening infusions which cause flu symptoms. It is demoralising, never feeling particularly well, but I feel like I am re-surfacing now. I have a bit more energy. On the positive side, my pain levels have been reduced and life is more comfortable again. I am seeing the consultant on Friday to discuss all this and I would love to think I can be left alone for a few weeks/months and get through the summer without having to have any more treatment. We'll see. The family are all well and we have enjoyed a great Easter break in Scotland with friends. (Actually, during that visit, Martha fell off a swing and hurt her foot. After four days we took her to the hospital and it turns out she has badly torn ligaments ... in my defence she is a teenager and so dragging limbs is not unusual.) We have also enjoyed Joel's eighth birthday and Mary's 40-something birthday. Joel's very funny when it's his birthday. He loves it but can't bear to be the centre of attention. I've attached some photos that demonstrate this ...

I hope you have had a good Easter. Thanks, as always, for visiting the blog.

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A Quick Note.

This is just a quick update about Friday's results. The Senior Consultant gave us about an hour of his time (is that a good thing?) and talked through the options. As always - good news and bad. The good news is that my lungs and liver are still clear. This is significant, as it is those areas that are potentially going to cause the most trouble. However, the illness has progressed in the pelvis, growing into the bone and starting the invasion of the bladder wall. So, I am going to have a five day course of radiotherapy in the near future in the hope that it will reduce the symptoms and might even cause tumour shrinkage. They are holding off on the chemo for now, and are more likely to start that when when tumours appear outside of the pelvis.

Mary and I feel okay about this. Obviously not happy at the disease's progress, but I think we were braced for something worse. We are both pleased at the delay in chemo. The girls have been in a dance performance today and yesterday so it has been nicely chaotic on that front, allowing us to get lost and distracted in sequins, tights and deadlines.(Spare me the offensive remarks ...) Joel is just enjoying the feeling of being alive, which is significant ... the music shop phoned to say that the reason my bass rig went on fire and destroyed itself has a lot to do with the fact that someone posted a 5p piece into the electrics. Bless that cuddly wee soul; butter wouldn't melt ...